Grasshopper Legs

“Food.” I thought lazily. Strolling through the school library, one could easily loose all sense of time and space amongst the clutter of paper backs and ink. I was certain it had been hours since the start of my shift and would soon be narrowing in on my lunch break. Sighing, I glanced down at the cart of books still to be placed back in their proper serial spot. Just finish this up, I promised myself, and then to lunch. Standing up straight, I pushed the cart forward with renewed vigor, placing the remaining books back one by one as I trolled the aisles.

 

“Hi there.”

 

I looked up from a particular favorite of mine with a lovely colorful cover to see a coy man standing before me. Dressed smartly in a deep purple suit, he stood with his hands behind his back, bending forward just enough so we saw eye to eye.

 

“Hello?” I asked, slightly taken aback by the man’s peculiar look.  He continued to look, no, stare at me, smiling. “Can I help find something?” I asked.

 

“You may,” He said, narrowing his eyes. Suddenly he reached out at took the book from my hands. “Oh,” He said. “This is it.” He held it securely in his grasp, but didn’t glance down once.

 

I narrowed my eyes.  “I’m glad I could help you.” I said politely.

 

“I am glad too.” His smile bloomed into a grin of inhuman proportions. “I’ll be sure to bring it back soon.” With that, he stood up straight, extending his body to its full, well over six foot length. I had to strain my neck to see even the underside of his nose.

 

He turned to walk away, his long suit tails swinging with the motion as he left. I glanced at the clock again. Only a minute had passed. I groaned inwardly and continued with my job, hoping for no more interruptions.    

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Enough

“And then I was all like, excuse me? You did not just text that to me. I mean, like, why would he even say that?”

I shook my head, not because I didn’t know why he said that to her via text (I actually did, but that’s a different story), but because a half an hour into the conversation I felt as if all of my precious, precious brain cells had committed suicide via cyanide and melted away.

“I mean, I’m cute, I’m mature, I know what I’m talking about!”

Silently, staring beyond her head, I shook my head again.

“That lil’ bitch should just know to keep her nose out of other people’s business. I mean, like, just because he invited her doesn’t mean anything. He obviously still likes me better.” Loudly I groaned. She looked at me sharply, taken out of her zone. “What’s your problem?”

“Your stupidity is literally oozing all over me.” I sighed. “I’m afraid I’m going to catch it.”

“Excuse me?” She crinkled her nose.

“Go away.” I said bluntly.

“Uhm, who are you to complain?” She snapped her fingers. “You know nothing about me child.”

And that was it. I could take it no more. Pulling out my Smack Down Hand, I set about beating the girl across from me remorselessly. She tried to defend herself, but soon she collapsed on the ground in a sobbing fit.

“And let that be a lesson to you!”  I snarled as I stepped over her.

Feeling infinitely better about myself and the world I lived in, I skipped down the hall from then on considering myself a vigilante to all those who had ever dealt with an unreasonable amount of stupidity in their life. Help was on the way! 

Beach Tour

“What’s on the schedule today?” Amber asked as she poured milk over her cereal.

“Bridge.” Emily answered somberly, staring at the news paper rather than reading it.

Ever since the city had put them under house arrest, there had been nothing to do. They had been bank robbers, you see, and had been quite successful bank robbers at that. But with a rat and a dead engine to back them up, little could be done when the police had hauled them in.

Questioned beyond reason, none of the girls broke. Fearing a possible failed trial should they prosecute without actually having the money in hand (so to speak), the police department simply worked the system until the girls were trapped in a small, one bedroom apartment near the outskirts of town, to be held until one should snap from the isolation and spill the beans.

Months had passed. Sheer boredom was the worst the girls felt. Makeup parties can only entertain you for so long.

Amber wanted to drown in what little milk remained at the bottom of her cereal bowl. They would never break. To go from one prison to another never made much sense. But that didn’t mean they loved their current lives.

Josie, the third and last head to the operation, glanced out of the window as she walked by on her way to the kitchen (she’d always been a late riser). She had a clear view of the beach, even from their far back, “in the woods” rental home. “What do you say to a tour of that beach over there?” She nodded to the scene.

“Brilliant idea,” Emily said.

“Let us drive there with our nonexistent car. We could play all day and night and no one would miss us.” Amber sighed. “Honestly Josie, I worry about you sometimes.”

“Seriously though,” Josie said. “We could go.”

“How?” Emily said. Spending all your time around the two same girls sounded nice, but only for the first few weeks. Then it just gets bitchy.

“Take our ankle monitors off.” Josie said condescendingly.

“Another brilliant idea!” Amber slapped her knee. “Why hadn’t I thought of that?”

Josie, appearing calm, walked the kitchen counter and grabbed a knife from the top draw. Emily and Amber tensed. Emily actually stood from her stool in preparation to defend herself in case her friend had finally gone stir crazy.

Josie swung her leg atop the counter in such a way that would make any ballerina jealous. Carefully, she poked and pried at the strap around her ankle until it fell off with a pop.

Emily and Amber gasped. “How did you do that?” They crowded around their comrade like flies to jelly.   

“You two are so air headed,” Josie laughed. “While you slept and commiserated, I worked on a way for us to escape.”

“But how did you learn to get the bracelets off?” Amber questioned. “It’s not like we have internet. You can’t Google things without Internet.”

“It’s called using your imagination.” Josie scolded. “Apparently you forgot you had one. I used trial and error until suddenly…” She held up the tracking device with a sly grin.

“I knew we kept you around for something.” Emily hugged her new best friend. “Now hurry up and get mine off.” Josie rolled her eyes.

A few hours later (these things take time) the trio left the house for the first time in a long time. Amber stretched every muscle in her body, careful to not toss around the picnic basket in her hands too much. “I suppose we will have to walk,” She said sadly.  

“Oh come on,” Josie came up behind her. “ We’ve been stuck inside for far too long to be complaining about something so little. Besides, you could use the exercise.”

Amber gasped horror-struck. Emily dashed between the two and skipped down the street. “You two losers coming or what?” She called behind.

Pearly white sand greeted them first, followed by a clear blue mirror, mildly lapping against the shore in a routine sort of way. Accompanied by the distant chirps of seagulls, there were little trepidation about the sudden change in their daily schedules or the possible repercussions that could result from said change.

For now, the girls lived in the moment how they most wanted to. Free. With a side serving of ham and cheese sandwiches.  

Men

“How dare you look at another woman!” I screamed, chucking a vase across the room. He ducked in anticipation; too bad that wasn’t what I’d aimed for. “Take em’ out at the knees” my mother had always said. Who knew she would be right? Stomping up to the collapsed man I sent a thank you to my past self who’d decided to wear stilettos today. Mercilessly I brought my heel down onto his shoulder. His gasp of pain made me smile in a primal way.

 

“Emily,” He choked. “It’s not like that—”

 

I brought my heel down again and again until my anger subsided. He was fine, though his left side might me numb and look like ground beef for a while. Brushing off my dress I looked down on the pathetic creature I had, up until then, considered my love. “Stupid boy,” I hissed. “Don’t consider me your fool. When will you realize that no other woman can give you what I can? Grow up!” One last kick to the gut, this one with all my strength. Satisfied I’d gotten my point across I left without much fuss for my hair appointment. Surely I would need to look my best while on the prowl for another man.