Parking Lot Shuffle

Lizzy left the supermarket loaded down with bags of fried chicken and frozen pizza. As she eagerly stowed away her bags in the trunk she could only think of how the long work week would be well worth it once she changed into her robe and slippers. Behind the wheel she buckled her seatbelt and stuck the key in the ignition.   

Her passenger side door flew open and a body threw itself into the seat next to her. A man in a long trench coat and hat sat up. “There isn’t much time.” He said.

Lizzy’s eyes widened in shock. “What?”

“Hurry, drive me to the corner of Buckwalter and 5th.” The man busily looked around the parking lot for signs of something only he would recognize.

“But -“

“Damn it woman, don’t talk!”

“Hey!” Lizzy reached out and shoved the man’s shoulder. “Get out of my car!”

“Listen girly, we don’t have time.” He looked gravely into Lizzy’s eyes. “This is a case of national security!”

“I don’t care,” Lizzy spelled out. “Get out of my car before I call the cops.”

“Good!” The man exclaimed. “It shall save me time.” Hunkering down he returned to peering around the parking lot suspiciously. “They are following me.” He said to no one in particular.

“Who is following you?” Lizzy asked.

“The Russians.” He spat.

“Why is it always the Russians?” Lizzy wondered. “Listen buddy, I don’t know who you are but there’s a rehab center just around the block – “

“We don’t have time for this!” The man pounded his fist against the dash. Lizzy gasped at the affront her car just suffered. “Do you love your country or not?” The man asked.

“Eh,” Lizzy shrugged. “I’m kinda broke at the moment, so not really.”

The man stared at her for a minute before reaching out to take her keys. “I am confiscating this car. Step out of the vehicle.”

“No way,” Lizzy snatched the keys back. “I just paid this thing off.” The man shouted in a raving voice about her undercover job for the Russian mob. Lizzy took that as an insult to her sense of fashion. They wrestled over the keys for some time before Lizzy did the only thing she could think of in such a situation. Reaching into her purse she pulled out the pepper spray her mother gifted her for Christmas and pointed it at the only eyes that mattered. Jumping back in discomfort the man let go of the keys and groped his face. Lizzy tactfully detangled herself from her seatbelt and exited the car. Walking around the hood she opened the passenger side door and the wounded man fell out onto the pavement.

“You’ll see!” He yelled out ironically as she shut the door. “A week from now the secret service will be knocking on your door. You’ll be arrested for failing to aid an officer in need, not to mention assaulting said officer!”

“Yeah yeah yeah,” Lizzy yawned over her shoulder. Seated behind the wheel once more she locked the doors with a click laced heavy with triumph over certain assertive persons. She thought during the drive home she should call her mother and thank her for such a thoughtful gift. 

Looking back on the strange man she had to laugh. Ain’t nobody got time for such shenanigans.


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