Green Envy

BASED ON A TRUE STORY. How do I even begin? I’d put funky color in my hair before, mostly red tips and blue peek-a-boo highlights. But my favorite color is green, so naturally I wanted green hair. Bad life choice. My hairdresser misunderstood what I wanted done and it resulted in a lot more trouble than hair is ever worth. So! Enjoy my misery, which has been dramatized for entertainment purposes in the following lines.


“I’m so excited to see how it turns out.” Lizzy smiled up at her hairdresser, Mady, as she rinsed her freshly dyed hair. “I’ve been looking forward to this for weeks. I’m happy I finally saved up enough money to do it.”

Smiling, Mady covered her client’s head with a towel and raised the back of the chair. “I’m happy you decided to branch out. I’ve been dying to dye your hair for years. Get it?” Lizzy rolled her eyes. Laughing at the expression Mady pulled the towel away with a dramatic flourish, revealing the finished product to her client.

Lizzy’s face fell from beaming to dumbstruck. “Why is it green?” She asked. “Why is it green?” Her voice cracked as shock quickly turned to horror.

Mady’s own smile fell. “You wanted it green.”

“But not this green!” Lizzy shakily poked her emerald locks. “It’s green. Really, really green. I didn’t even want this much done!”

“You said you wanted it to fade in,” Mady tried to argue her case.

“I wanted just the tips,” Lizzy took a deep breath, tears beginning to form at the corners of her eyes. Mady fought down her own panic as the deep silence of an unsatisfied hair style suffocated the room. “Ok, no, you know what?” Mady quickly swiveled the chair around. “We can fix this, no problem.”

“My hair is green!” Lizzy shrieked. “How do you fix that?”

Many phone calls, comforting words, and wine from a secret stash later Lizzy was calm enough to work with. An hour later Mady found herself staring down into the hateful eyes of her client as she rinsed her hair for the second time. “If this doesn’t work, I’m calling the city and having your license revoked.” Mady nervously swallowed and raised the back of the chair. Spinning Lizzy, letting the towel slide to the floor, she held her breath.

Lizzy turned her head left then right. “It’s nice.”

“It’s you natural color.” Mady stated.

“And it’s nice, right?”

“Of course.” She agreed.

“Don’t ever change it again.” Standing from the chair Lizzy walked to the counter to pay for the trouble. Trying to massage out her headache Mady followed quietly, wondering once again why she thought working with hair would be fun.         


Love Letter

I was feeling inspired and wrote an extremely over the top, slightly old-school, love note. Enjoy the cheesiness!     


                I think of you again tonight. I could not sleep, for thoughts of you fill my head and drive sleep away with a cruel whip. Darling, how I miss you so. Your laughter, your eyes, the warmth of your hand holding mine. To say you are my sunshine is to say you have my heart, and every day I rise without you seems dark and cold. Seeing your smile fills my heart with pure happiness and devotion. How sad I would be to see a frown! A single tear I could not bear, plunging me into devastation. How are you? How strange it is to be without you by my side. Do you often think of me? You are so different than any man I have known before. You always did look the most handsome in suits. Ah, there is so much to do in your absence, but you have never been far from my mind. If I were to look at a map and measure the distance between us I fear it would seem rather minuscule. I feel so very close to you even when you are not here. To say you care for me more than I you would be a bold lie indeed. This must be love, no other emotion could torture me so with thoughts of us together again. When you return I shall cook a wonderful meal we shall eat together talking the afternoon away just as we did last summer. Hurry back soon so I may see the world around me in the light of day once more.

                Love eternally,

To Be Married

Last weekend my Grandma, a woman very dear to my heart, passed away at the age of 88. Her funeral was that Thursday, so I of course didn’t update as per schedule. Though it’s without a doubt the saddest thing to ever happen in my life, I want to remember the good times rather than the last moments. The following story is true!! My grandma and grandpa were married nearly 60 years and it’s a miracle nobody died of natural selection. Though there are many tales I could tell, this is probably my favorite.

I hope it amuses you at much as it does me.


It was a bright day without a cloud in the sky. Donald walked outside into the back lawn with his morning coffee and surveyed his land. His wife, Leona, walked past him dressed for a relaxing morning hanging laundry, basket and pins in hand.

“Are you going to paint that chair you’ve been talking about for the past week?” She smiled up at him.

“You bet,” he said, sipping his coffee with a determined look. “I’m going to use up the rest of that old paint. You’ll be knitting in that chair by tomorrow, mark my words.”

“Have fun.” Leona waved over her shoulder as she headed to the clothes line.

Finishing his coffee Donald stepped back into the house. A month ago he bought a nice old rocker from a friend; a new coat of paint and it would be good as new. Dressed in his oldest pair of overalls he walked back to the shed where the chair waited. Pulling from one of the many overflowing, but neatly organized, shelves a can of black spray paint he gave it a few good shakes. Pulling off the cap he held it a few inches away from the wood and pressed down on the nozzle. Nothing happened. He pressed down harder and nothing happened. He shook the can a few more than a few more times and pressed again, yet still nothing.

Examining the can he found the nozzle caked with hard paint from inactivity. “Hmm,” thinking up a simple solution to a simple problem he headed back to the house with the spray can, waving to his wife as he passed. Walking into the kitchen he headed to the stove and turned it on to a mild 350 degrees. When the preheat light dimmed he opened the door and quickly placed the spray can on the top rack. Figuring ten minutes would be more than enough to re-liquefy the hardened paint he set the timer and stepped outside onto the front porch, the day’s sun far too nice to miss out on.

Leona hummed quietly to herself, focused entirely on hanging her wears here and there until an explosion from the kitchen that rattled the windows set her flat on her feet and running into the house. “Don?” She called out, the usually calm woman letting panic slip into her voice. Her eyes landed on his figure standing just inside the frame leading into the living room. Relieved her husband seemed fine Leona’s eyes gradually took in the rest of the room.

Black paint covered everything. Her refrigerator, her cabinets, the table, the windows; black splatters of paint lent a macabre feeling to the once cheery room. Her stove’s door lay broken off its hinges in the middle of the floor where a small scrap of metal that once was a spray can lay dead.

Her expression said it all. Looking at her husband Leona struggled to utter an appropriate sentence through her rage. “You will buy me a new refrigerator.” She said through gritted teeth and turned away, stomping out the back door.

Donald looked around the once clean, yellow tinted kitchen and sighed deeply. Gingerly he stepped forward just enough to reach his car keys from the wall-peg they hung on. To the hardware store it was. Tomorrow would have to wait it’s turn.